I used to have this feeling like somehow my entire existence is wrong, and open the way I figured out a lot about myself. I thought maybe that feeling exists as a result of my depression. Why not? That makes sense. But time went by that feeling was still there. This feeling that I had became the root and the cause of some of my more dramatic problems, but then if not my depression what? I didn’t have time to go soul-searching, I’ve never had time to sit down and examine things, so I just have to push it to the side till I can find some time to figure it out.
At one point in my life I even wondered if maybe I was transgender, maybe that’s it? It wasn’t. What is this feeling why is it that I don’t like going to a gynecologist, why is it that I don’t like it when people call me lady, or a woman. What have I always been okay with having small boobs, whenever a girl I know what’s bigger ones…
Why is it that I feel so masculine in wedges? Why do I feel so powerful in men’s clothing? Maybe I’m gender-fluid, maybe I’m a gender fuck, maybe I’m non-binary… wait- no I’m just a regular girl- I really don’t like that word thuogh (gir). This is getting hard, what am I? Maybe I’m thinking too hard about this, maybe I should just leave those feelings alone and just do my best to live my life.
Still I remember a bully that used to call me names, and one day when talking about me to one of my friends he started with a, “so where is- it, Ema.” He was going to save she, but when he didn’t I felt kind of Happy. What does that mean?
I don’t hate my female parts, in fact I’m very happy that I have small boobs it don’t want big ones. I’m okay with the fact but I have a vagina, but some days I kind of wish I didn’t have that, not like I want to penis either, I just kind of want neither? Yeah. But I’m okay with what I have, I’m okay with she pronouns, I used to not be I used to hate it. Even though the leaves would use the term it to describe me as an insult, I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed it a lot more than girl, or she or her- but I don’t know what that means. How does that Translate, and even though in the past they used hate the terms I’ve come to the point in my life where I’m just okay with them. They no longer make me feel so awful, but then is that because I was conditioned to feel that way? If the feeling gone away does that mean it was it real?
But it didn’t go away did it? It just became the less it just got pushed back a little farther. Maybe This Feeling is due to my mental illnesses.