A Future Filled of Reminders from the past.

Sitting here in my bed thinking about the past, about what my future might look like, how far I’ve come from what I was. When I was younger there was this reoccurring theme, that always seem to be in my life at that time. When I finally realized that I suffered from mental illnesses I sought out friends that understood usually because they had their own mental illnesses. 

Now that’s not unheard of most people subconsciously look for others that they have something in common with. The rest of this story would go something like this:

I would have my own problems with my own mental illnesses, and because I didn’t have a good support system, I didn’t have the skills necessary to deal with this problem or the money. I would just deal and cope the best I could and go on with my life. A friend of mine who also suffers from mental illness, comes to me for a listening ear, help, advice and I told them they should do these things that I can’t do because I don’t have necessary tools to do so. They tell me they tried it and it does help, or they also don’t have the tools or money. The only thing I have left to tell them, is fake it til you make it or just get over it.

I know right?! It’s really hard to believe, that someone with mental illnesses would uttered the phrase, ” get over it.” I have had people say that exact phrase to me and I get so upset by it, yet in the past I have said it several times to other people in a similar situation. How dare I! Right?!

However here’s the thing, that’s exactly what I had to do. Let me clarify. No one can just get over a mental illness. However most people with mental illnesses, only left with this option. I really wish I could take back those words, I really wish I hadn’t of told them to just get over it. However at the time it was the only advice I have for them, and since I know it’s impossible to do that what I really was saying is, “I’m sorry that you also cannot find help for your mental illness, but it’s the world we live in and if you want to make some kind of life for yourself you’re going to have to just push it to the back of your mind, or have mental breakdowns as discreetly as possible, and still go through with it and make your life.”

That’s what I had to do, when I finally got some kind of help it was in college. And I still struggle with getting the help and medication that I need. The truth is I shouldn’t have had to go through that and neither should anybody else. Nobody with a mental illness should have to choose between getting help and making a life. 

Thinking about this topic makes me feel really bad, first for ever saying that to anybody, and second because I shouldn’t of had to go through that either. I could have been so much more successful if I was given the chance. I know that now. Once in awhile someone brings up how bad are awful, or how bad or awful I used to be. And it brings me back two things like this, and I used to be a really toxic person, I still have a lot of problems, and I have so far from perfect I’m not even sure how it’s possible I have all my friends and family and this amazing girlfriend! At the same time these people are also reminders to me that maybe I’m not as bad as I think I am, because otherwise why would they want me around? Right?

Tonight is not one of my best nights. While I am definitely a very different person from what I used to be, I guess it doesn’t make up for the past. The things I did in the past, do not undo themselves, I will always have these memories as a reminder, and a punishment. My head is swirling so many different emotions, and so many different thoughts. It’s painful, and I really just wish their was an off switch.


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