Update 2 (Medicating)

I feel like no matter how I say it no one gets it. Once again someone had a problem with me medicating. I don’t know how to spell it out for them. Taking a hit before school, work, life in general for me is like taking an anti-depressent every morning the only diffrence being, taking a hit actually helps me with little to no sideffects vs. how tired I feel on anti-depressents. Medicating with weed and drinking alcohol are to diffrent things. Infact taking on hit, and drinking one beer is SO EXTREMELY diffrent. (Please unserstand I am a responcable person and am completely sober when it comes to drive and doing my actual job.) Other then that, more then likely I am medicated to keep everything in check.

It just hurts- I maybe a little emotional right now since I haven’t really medicated today, but it really does hurt. The same poeple who push me to get help for my mental instabilities are the same poeple who shun me for medicating. I can I do lige with out weed? Sure, 100% could do that, but it would be the same as me going everyday without an anti-depressent, can I do it? Yes, but is it really fucking hard? Hell yes.

I just don’t feel like medicating now and I have already gone over this in my head 99 times, started crying and trying not to have a mental break down, but I feel ashamed for medicating. Like I feel like I am doing something wrong- at the same time I have never been so happy in my life, and so free from my mental instabilities. 

I try really hard not to care what others think but when its your friends and family- poeple that you love, telling you this- its hard, and I don’t know what to do about it. Do I hide it? Do I stop using it? Do I tell them sorry but I need it and let them just leave me as they will? 

With all these questions and I am not even sure who to talk to, and I just feel really bad for using something that helps me right now. So here I am writing about it hoping it will help me calm down and think of a solution, however at the same time I know I need to medicate and clear my head before I think myself into a panick attack. 

UPDATE: I still haven’t Medicaid yet, however I’m feeling a little better. I definitely am overreacting a little bit and I know it and I’m using some coping mechanisms to take care of it because I’m just having a hard time pushing myself to medicate because of how I feel about it. I really should have this is going to keep me up all night. Something that I realized as while weed is legal here and I should be able to use it as a medication, there’s still so much not known about marijuana as a substance, I don’t know that my family and friends like me just subconsciously isn’t sure if it’s really a bad drug disguised as a good one or a good drug with a bad rap. Why I am very scientifically knowledgeable about the substance there are still some things I don’t know about, and I’ve read a lot about the substance.

Not to mention I do want to get on other medications so I’m not using marijuana as much not because of how others feel about it but because I need a substance that I can use while I work. Not to say I couldn’t use weed while I work however if my job found out they would not be okay with that.

So I think I’m going to medicate, I have a vaporizer For dabs coming in the mail soon it’ll be a lot easier to disguise. I really don’t like the idea of hiding something that I find useful in my life. But at the same time I just can’t take the negativity. I know it helps me and I know it works. Just thinking about my past self and how awful I felt I don’t want to go back to dealing with it everyday. I also feel that a lot of this back and forth on whether or not I should medicate comes from the fact that subconsciously I know I could be more educated on the substance- like sometimes I wonder if my friends and family are just right and what I’m doing is awful. Even though I know how I feel about it when I use it- it still doesn’t help because I need factual stuff to prove how I feel and to know it’s not a big hoax. I’d started marijuana Science Blog, it’s just so hard to find the time to do all the research and then put it into my own words but I think I’m going to press a little harder to do so. So I know what I’m talking about, and so I have the facts to know that what I’m doing is the right thing.

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