Inside My Mind.

Alright first lets share with the class. I have depression, crippling anxiety, and possibly ADHD. I am curently in a good place, but let me try to explain where I was before.

Imagine if you will…. Your sister is graduating High School! How exciting, I obvioualy remember when I graduated and how great that was- 

That is definatly how I felt for about 3 seconds of my sister’s graduation, then other emotions started to appear like jealousy, fear, anger? (Excited she is graduating, yes!) Yet, Jealousy to what? scared of what?

My thought proccess after the fact: What was I jealous of? It just doesn’t make any sence, I already graduated. Is it because she’s getting attention? I’m very inteoverted I didnt really feel that conforatable at my own graduating. So… what? Well in the end only one answer seemed to fit a little better then the others so I must have been jealous of the attention. Wow so I am an attention seeker and I didn’t even know it. 

Now I just need to rashionalize the other ‘stray’ emotion to make myself feel less like a cazy emotional reck. ‘Ok!’

Back to the scenario: So I’m trying to enjoy my sister’s graduation. I’m excited for my sister’s achievements, at the same time I’m trying to deal with everything that’s going on in my head. I’m trying to hug my sister and tell her how proud of her I am because I am! While fighting the urge to be rude, or to just leave altogether to deal with my other emotions. But I don’t want to be rude to her on this today, and I don’t want to leave and miss out. Not to mention how my friends and family would think if I just left. And this is something not easy to explain to them.

 My thoughts after the fact: So I must be jealous of the attention she gets, sad cause I’m insecure about the school I went to, cause it wasn’t as good as her shcool, and angry cause now I might think my sister is better then me cause she went to a better school. Well that sound resonable?! Right? that must be it… Honestly not sure.

My litral thought on these rashinalizations: “Wow, I am really messed up.” “So much so I’m not telling anyone how I actually feel ever, Because I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want to be that person!” Also it really just helps with my selfesteem- not actally at all.

This was me rashinalizing ‘stray emotions’ I actually don’t need a lot of attention, I liked my school even though it might not have been as great, and she’s got problems of her own on her mind why would she think shes better then me? but that must be it, cause at the time I didn’t know how else to make sence of these extra emotions.

Sadly this is the best way I can explain it. It is hard to explain this mental problem.

Now, with this problem lets add the depression. I’m sure every one by now has looked up, figured out or has had first hand experience with  depression. Its not easy living with depression, and I find it interesting that my generation and the generations to come seem to suffer from it so much more then previous genrations. I think this says a lot about our society. However I’m not here to get on ‘a society is awful’ kick with you all so let’s get back to what I was talking about. 

The only thing I can add here, is depression is not always what it seems, and depression stems from different things for different people. Thinking that because you have depression, you know it all, is not ok. If you think you know depression because you read about it online, and thinking that because you get really sad sometimes you must know what it feels like, you are wrong. 

I have a mix of emotions and on top of that I need to deal with my rampat depression. The beast that makes it hard to get out of bed and makes it extremely hard to see myself as more then a worthless item. 

Back to the scenario: here I am trying to get past the last part of my sister’s graduation, and I am starting to feel a mix of crying for no reason, and giving up on life. It feeds of my confusion. This is the time where more thoughts come pooring in on ‘how worthless I am and these extra emotions I can’t seem to get rid of are proof’, or ‘I wouldn’t be on the brink of ruining my sisters graduation if I wasn’t here’ which makes me sad, but I can’t cry, I can’t express anything without ruining it for my sister.

And then the cherry on top.  Anxiety, has been building this entire time. It has now reached its boiling point. Damn, this is where I need to take a step out. This is where I need to go to the ‘restroom’ or ‘I forgot something in my car’ or ‘ I made up some other excuse, to get away because I feel like I’m going to explode all over the place.’ When I finally get out of there, I immediately break down. I’ll try my hardest to pull myself together to put everything I can to the back of my mind to think of other things. I need to go back in and I need to keep it together because I need to be there to see her graduate and be happy, I can’t miss this. 

So I do I go back in we all take family photos, everybody says goodbye to everybody and we all finally get to leave. I am so tired and stressed from this entire event, but I made it through for my sister. This is one of the most stressful things I’ve done. Yet as far as anybody knows of that day. I was perfectly fine.

How weird is that? I went through all of this in the span of just a few hours. But as far as anybody was concerned all I did was sit there and clap, look up at my sister and smile, give her a hug and told her how proud I was of her, left the room for a few minutes to do whatever excuse I gave, came back and took family photos and left with a smile on my face.

No one knows that afterwards I went home and I replayed that event a hundred times in my head trying to think of where I went wrong, trying to rationalize all of these problems that I was having, nobody realizes that I broke down several times thinking that I was worthless because I couldn’t seem to sit there and just be proud of my sister, nobody knows how much I tried to not think about it and tried to forget that it even happened.

I didn’t tell anyone because I knew nobody would understand, snd I didn’t want to be the problem again. Sometimes I wonder why they are even a problem when I know they don’t belong. However when it’s actually happening it is really hard to remind yourself that these emotions doesn’t belong here when they feel so very real, and the only way I can explain it is think about your regular everyday emotions that you feel. I bet the last time you got pissed off it was probably for a legitimate reason for you right? Even if later you realized you might have overreacted, still being angry about it was every real at the time. Now, what if I told you that you didn’t overreact in fact you weren’t supposed to feel angry over this entire situation at all? And you infact were just being dramatic.What if I came up to you and told you that you had no right to feel angry, or that you were being too dramatic and no one gets upset or angry over situations like (insert situation here.) And this happens to you daily eith every emotion not just anger…

I guess in the end I really need to work on understanding that some people just aren’t going to get what I go through or even try to understand. And I just need to let those people go and not worry about it. I mean easier said than done but I guess it’s something that really needs to start happening because sadly this is my life and I’ve had this problem since I was little and it hasn’t gone away.

To my loved ones: I will always love and care about you all. And I will never push you away even though you may not understand why I get so dramatic or crazy sometimes. I just really hope you can find it within yourself to put up with me while I go through this every day. Bottom line I love you all, and know that while I may not understand everything you guys go through on a daily basis I will definitely try and I am here for all of you.


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