Update One.

I went to the doctor today and while the doctor was not rude or anything, she had made some comments about me, about my dog, just another person who can understand how great difficult breeds can be. My first reaction was ‘oh well’ and all the bland feelings that come with that thought, but then other feelings started to emerge.

I still feel those emotions I feel ashamed, I feel angry, and others. I wanted to express some ofthese emotions here. I felt like I needed to explain myself, I felt as if she had no right to say those words. Cause she doesnt know me. However at the same time, everything she epressed was not offensive or hurtful. In fact what she said was the downright truth. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. 

I don’t know how these strange emotions came to be but they’re here and I am always trying to rationalize and it just messes with my head. Even as I type this I can’t stop thinking about it I keep going over everything that was said and done in my head, and I can’t stop I try to forget about it and it just doesn’t work. I just want my mind to quiet.

Sometimes it’s hard to pick out what emotions are natural and actually rational. I fight everyday not to let them get out of hand. I think that’s why sometimes I can be so dramatic I have so many extra emotions running around and it’s hard for me too keep them all bundled up nice and tight. 

It helps to express emotions most of the time. Trying to keep them all bottled up only hurt you more. However I’ve been bottling them up lately because I don’t know what else to do with them I’m hoping the blogging like this might be a good Outlet so I don’t have to put the weight of my extra nonsense on other people.

I know I need to go to the therapist, I know I need to figure out a different solution this does not always work trying to keep everything inside. Although I’m kind of worried. I’ve never mentioned this before because I felt bad about it. I feel all these stray emotions for a long while. I thought I was just really messed up in the head so it was hard for me to admit that there is a problem to myself and to others.I now realized I am INDEED messed up in the head but I need to take responsibility for that. I can’t just let them run wild with my life.

I’m just so worried since I haven’t mentioned it before. I’m worried that if I go into a therapist they going to think that I’m just after drugs. I’m worried they won’t take these feelings seriously, but then again I feel like a professional therapist wouldn’t actually do that, because I mean that’s their job. So I can’t figure out if its just an irrational fear. Am I being silly? I can’t tell.

I want to continue College next semester but I feel that if I do and I don’t get this fixed first and going to have another hard semester. I just don’t know what to do or where to begin and I still have to figure out my insurance thing and I need to figure out how to get into a therapist but my fears are running rampant with this idea that a therapist might send me away because they don’t believe me. I just kept me for months now from going to see someone.

Don’t know what to do. It seems to get harder and harder everyday, and while medicating myself helps I can’t be medicated all day, I need to figure something else out. So I’m going to push myself over Christmas break to try and get this started. I’m worried though because I have a habit of not pushing through and just dealing until it becomes a serious problem.

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